I had cocktails last night with an old friend from graduate school.  These days, she’s pretty high up on the totem pole at a large tech company here in town, and we were talking about all kinds of stuff, from business to sports to all things girl.  Specifically, we were comparing notes on women in the working world, what kinds of unique challenges they face, what the norms are for women versus men in business, and how women create success for themselves.

I was particularly curious what she thought was the biggest contributor to a woman’s success—what do the most successful women do that others don’t?  And she said something that really caught my attention.  When I asked her what she thought was the biggest way that women get in their own way in terms of success, she said something like this.

“Most women tend to do all the right things, perform well at their jobs, meet expectations, and make consistent contributions to the success of the company.  They’re solid, they’re steady, they’re dependable.  The problem is that they hope someone will notice what they’re doing, rather than actively seek out recognition for their achievements. It’s almost like they think that it’s enough to do a good job, and that in and of itself, their work will be rewarded.

Guys, on the other hand, sell themselves constantly.  They talk about what problems they solved, even if they caused the problem in the first place.  They ask for recognition.  They call attention to their credentials and accomplishments, and really own their stuff, even if sometimes they take credit where credit isn’t due.

Women tend to be great team players, but rarely take or ask for recognition for themselves.  It’s almost like they have this belief that it’s not nice to brag, to single yourself out, or to grab the spotlight.”

All I could think, upon hearing this, was “Oh crap.  I think she might be right!”

A lot of us have been raised to be such good girls.  We play fair, share our toys, do unto others, and keep our mouths shut if we can’t say something nice.  We behave.  And somewhere along the line, we got the message that if we just do the right thing long enough, we will be seen, recognized, and acknowledged for what good girls we are.

Also somewhere along the line, we were taught that it’s not nice to stand out, that we shouldn’t call attention to ourselves, and that it’s wrong to be the center of attention.  Problem is, if you’re a woman trying to get ahead in the world, you need to stand out.  You have to get attention for your work.

You’ve got to find your spotlight and get yourself into it.

I think sometimes it’s really hard for women to honestly own their talents, their skills, and their strengths.  So often, I see women with an overdeveloped sense of humility.  When given a compliment, they brush it aside.  When talking about a job they did, they tell you all the reasons it wasn’t as good as it should have or could have been.  They underestimate their abilities, discount their experiences, and downplay their successes as good luck, fortunate circumstances, or other things out of their control.  They find it easy to say “well, that wasn’t so hot, I’m not actually that great” and so hard to say “yessir, I nailed it!  I knocked it out of the park!  I am super duper awesome!”

The lesson here is that often, we women can be our own worst enemies—and more importantly, we have the power to be our own best advocates if we choose to. We can learn to stand up, be noticed, claim our successes as the result of our own hard work and talent, and take credit where we’ve earned it, without self-deprecating comments.

If I may get on my soapbox for a minute…

Ladies, PLEASE!  Start owning your brilliant, magnificent, full-on selves!

Claim your space!  Step up to the mike and turn up the volume!  Stop taking the power out of all the good that you do by adding disclaimers that minimize your accomplishments.  And not just at work—everywhere!  Brag, even!  As Marianne Williamson said, “your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”

Yes, it might feel weird at first if you’re one who typically plays it close to the chest. You may worry that you’ll come across as being arrogant, cocky, or conceited.  You may worry that people think you are attention hungry, or you fear that they will get irritated with you for taking up space.

But I guarantee that once you start, you’ll be glad you did.  Taking credit for your efforts is an important way you can respect yourself, and it also earns you the respect of others. Your sense of self-worth will grow, and you will feel the solid confidence of being in integrity with yourself.  You will live from your strengths rather than from your fears and your “yeah, but’s”. And you’ll start getting more of what you work so hard for, and what you deserve.

Well?  What would you like to brag about?