Have you ever said or done something with the best of intentions, and then been completely misunderstood? Not just misunderstood, but the other party may even have assumed you meant to be rude, inconsiderate, or just plain mean—have you had this experience?

This happened to me today. I didn’t mean to be rude or abrupt, I really didn’t. It’s just that I was in a hurry, and this person was in my way. So I said in my direct manner (without much thought to it) “can you move please? I need to use this space”. Perfectly innocent, just asking for what I needed, or so I thought. Because apparently what the other person heard was “move your fat ass, sweetheart”. And I was completely oblivious to the fact that my seemingly benign request landed so poorly on my target, who remarked to a nearby observer that I had been rude, aggressive, and generally disagreeable to them, and was possibly even INTENTIONALLY bitchy.

YIKES! Talk about a communication breakdown. I think I’m just being direct, and they think I’m intentionally being mean.

Welcome to the murky world of what you say versus how it comes across—and one of the easiest and most likely places to have a communication breakdown—also known as intention vs. impact.

Here’s how it works: when I say or do something, I generally know my own intentions behind it at some level. I have a reason for saying what I say, and usually I know what it is. For example, in the story above my intention was pretty basic: communicate my needs. I needed to use the space, and she was in it.

The rub is, you don’t know my intentions behind those words or actions—you must make a guess about my intentions from the impact that my words or actions have on you. This means that if I say something and your feelings are hurt, it’s quite possible that you may wonder “did you mean to hurt me?” So again, in the above story, she was quite put out and interpreted my words as rude or inconsiderate.

I see this all the time in relationships, whether business or personal. You know those times when you find yourself saying things like “that’s not what I meant” or “you don’t get it”? Probably a case of intention vs. impact in action.

I’m an optimist and maybe a bit naïve—I do believe that most of us, for the most part, have decent intentions. We want to do the right thing, we want to be honest, we want to play fair. (Okay, there are a few people who I have doubts about. Let’s ignore those people for now.)

But sometimes our best intentions can still have a harsh impact on others. For example, an attempt at self-protection can look, to the other person, like an outright attack. Direct feedback can feel like a character slaying. How things look on my side of the equation is completely different from how it looks from your side, and even though I may mean well, my behavior can land really, terribly wrong from your perspective. And from your perspective, because what I said or did hurt, offended, or angered, you may question my motives, or even make the jump to “knowing” that I am just a callous, thoughtless person with ulterior sinister motives.

What to do, what to do?

When I am coaching people about improving their communication skills, one of the skills we work on is to do what I call “lead with intention”. This means that when it makes sense to do so, set the stage with the other person or people first about WHY you are saying what you are about to say. Let them know “this is what I am hoping to accomplish by telling you this” in whatever words fit for you, before you deliver the message.

Here’s how this might look in practice: you are the boss, and have to give some tough feedback to an employee. Rather than just jumping right in and telling them how you want them to improve, begin by letting them know why you are about to give them the message that’s coming. “Bubba, I have some feedback I’d like to share with you. I’m doing this because I think you have lots of potential with this company, and my intention is to help you reach that potential, even when it means I might have to give you constructive criticism from time to time.” Intention is clear. Now, go ahead with your message.

What you are doing is being transparent about why you are saying what you are saying, rather than leaving it up to the receiver to guess at your intentions. You are proactively helping them look for a good intention rather than a bad one (assuming that you really mean well).

While few things are fool-proof, learning to signal your intentions before you speak can go a long way towards making sure the message you intend for them to hear is the message they receive.

What about you? How do you deal with a miscommunication?